Le poete seul est hante

Hands

2009-03-31T22:28:00.002-06:00

His hands
I watched them today in class
I found them
Fascinating

He doesn't fidget
He sits calmly
He looks like he's paying attention
But I'm wondering what he's thinking

He picks up his pencil
Not hurriedly, like the others
But calmly
In that deliberate way that only few have the patience for

His grip on his pencil
He has complete control
Without turning his knuckles white

It's always that way
Calm
Deliberate
Never rushing
But always keeping up
Without falling behind

I want to know more about him
I want to grab a coffee
Just sit
And talk

I want to know more about how he thinks
His view of the world
And to share mine

I have less than a month left
I think I'll still be left wondering

A safe place

2009-02-03T23:42:00.002-07:00

This feeling
Like I'm drowning
In a sea of everything

My self
(What is self?)
Is lost
Is being lost
Even as I cling to it hopelessly
It is slipping

I can still see it
It is not far
But far enough to make me fear
That it may not come back
That it may be different when it does
(Numerically? Qualitatively?)
That I'm losing it

My self
(What is that?)
Is slipping
I am slipping
(As the reeds whisper from the edge)
I am the one being lost
Drifting
Being carried away

Arms
I need arms around me
Grounding me
Reminding me that I am myself
(Though the locks may disagree)
Reminding me
Of everything
Yet not saying a word
Just holding
Grounding

Alas
I am alone
No arms tonight
Just my own
Holding myself in
Against the sea
Surviving
(What does that mean?)
Closing my eyes to the water
Huddled in a dark place
My safe place

Those eyes

2008-10-26T22:58:00.002-06:00

This isn't exactly relevant
Or even really significant
But I felt a need to say this
To let it be known, even if nobody reads it
That it was happening again
It seemed to go downhill
Just like it did last time
Except this time he cracked the walls a little more
And I fell into his arms
He whispered words
He said he'll never leave
He'll hang on
If I'm willing to do the same
In that one moment, I wondered if this will last forever
Because at that moment
I almost believed that it could

But forever is a long time
And a long time away
Especially when you compare it to today
And right now
So that thought can rest for now

I'm not going to say this is a love story
Or true love
Nor destiny, or fate
But I will say
That is is the closest I've ever come to all of them

Just Jump

2008-06-04T21:51:00.002-06:00

I'm looking into the water
It is very deep

People go in
Gently lowering themselves
Getting used to the depth
And the feel
Of the water

I watch these people
They go slowly
Clinging to the edge
And staring
Terrified
At the bottom of it all
Afraid they might be down there themselves
Before too long

Eventually they are all the way in
They gasp
Tread water quickly
Keeping their head above
Before finally letting go of the edge

They stay close
Still unsure
And still too scared

Finally they swim further out
They smile
And splash
And begin to have fun

But at that moment
Their time is up
They must leave the water
They can never go back

I turn my gaze to the others
They look at the water
Consider it
Then walk to the diving board
And jump right in

They're scared too
You can see it as they walk to the edge
And look down

Jumping in has risks
There is no way to test the water
For its strength
Or depth
The water goes over your head
It's too late to turn back

But they close their eyes
Before they can turn back
And leap

They are engulfed
But before too long
They come up
Smiling

They faced the water
Head on
And because of that
They overcame their fear
Faster than if they had timidly lowered themselves

These people quickly swim out to the middle
They splash
They smile
While the others are still just climbing in
Slowly but surely

I watch this from the side
Before walking towards the diving board

Our time in the pool is limited
I don't want to spend it gradually getting in
Afraid the whole time
I would rather jump

After all
All I have to lose
Is time

Whirlpool

2008-05-22T00:36:00.002-06:00

I'm floating on the surface
Of my own ocean
Of thoughts

Waves bring me up
I can clearly see the rest of the water around me
Then I drift below
I am surrounded by water of the same color

Something catches my eye
Beneath the surface
I don't know what it is
What it means

I want to find it
All I need is one look
I will understand
Questions will be answered

I dive
Surrounded by water
It feels like a different world
But I keep going

It gets darker
It is misleading, and confusing
I am almost there
I can still see it

There is a disturbance around me
Water, rushing around
Faster, without hesitation
Drawing circles around me

I'm almost there
But the circle draws me away
And yet prevents me from returning
To the calm surface

Again, I try to get to my treasure
I am swept away again
Away and deeper
I cannot breathe

I let go of my desire
Feeling helpless in a storm
I let the water take me
Where it will

I can breathe again
The surface is calm
I am floating on waves
Of peaceful thought

The treasure is still there
I can feel it
I will not dive again
It is best left untouched

Untitled

2008-05-19T00:09:00.000-06:00

I am running

One mile from home
Wind stings my face
The snow is blinding
Everywhere around me is white
I am far past the houses

Two miles from home
Time passes
But I take no notice
The only time that exists
Is the rhythm of my feet
Hitting the ground

Three miles from home
I match my breathing
To the time of my feet
Inhale when I step left
Exhale when I step right
The cold wind hurts my throat
But it prevents me from thinking

Four miles from home
I stop

My legs shake from the sudden absence of motion
The winter has stolen the blood from my limbs
I can’t move my fingers
For they are numb
But I can still feel your hand
As you hold mine
I feel your arms around me
Holding me close
Just like you used to

I am running

---

Written during a social class, for no particular reason

An Outlet

2008-01-07T22:12:00.000-07:00

It's all building up again
These feelings
And thoughts
When I'm around people
Distracted from my mind
I'm safe
But when I'm alone
They take over
It's not as bad as it could be
But still
I get really rash during these moments
I'm prepared to do whatever I think it will take
To get things off my mind
Maybe this is a safer way of doing it

Dear God
Or whatever higher power
Or being
There is out there
Please
If you have the time
And the means
Let him know I'm sorry
I ruined his life for months
The true extent of it
I know not
But what I do know
Or have heard
Makes me feel bad
It was so long ago
But I just can't get rid of that feeling
Of how much of his life I might have taken away
So please let him know I'm sorry
I still want to be friends
Really good friends
Even though the uncertain is coming
I hope we don't drift apart completely
I love him
Not in love with him
I simply love him
It is possible

Yes, I believe in love
Why shouldn't I?
I don't understand why anybody wouldn't
I can't imagine living without it
Even if I can't describe what it is.

Homework goes better when you're in the mood to do it

2008-01-07T22:11:00.000-07:00

A winter sunset
Is very different
Than a summer sunset
I had a sudden urge to share that
Even though I can't fully explain it.

Nevertheless, life is good

2007-12-21T01:02:00.000-07:00

Squee
I love life

I reflected a little more last night
But it was good thoughts
I was reminded
Of how if I had the power to go back
And change things
I wouldn't
Because i leanred so much from that experience
Even if it hurt
Looking back
I think I grew a lot
I went from twelve to seventeen
In months

Life now is good
Things don't always work out
In the long run
Will it matter?
Probably not

I realized the other day
That I hadn't liked anybody all day
My friend would understand how truly remarkable
That is
I always have a crush on somebody
It's how I work
But lately
It's like life is good good to be spent
Thinking about things
That I don't really need
That's not the best way to putting it
But seeing as how class is about to end
That's all you're going to get

=)

I'm a very confused human being

2007-12-17T23:51:00.001-07:00

I'm thinking again
That's not good
Sure, it can solve things
Make me feel better
But sometimes I just find myself
Going in circles
Going over things I've already considered
Already decided on
It's pointless
And gets me nowhere
So why can't I stop?

I've hit a phase
I think
It feels similar to last year
But different
Is it that this year I have nothing to lose?
Maybe
But last year I didn't ever know I had something to lose
Until it was lost
This year I have nobody to disappoint
That sounds closer
But it's still not quite what I'm looking for
I keep wanting to say that this year
I am alone
I have nobody to cling to
Or to save me
But I know I'm fooling myself
In a way
I was alone then as well
We said we were together
And therefore I wasn't alone
In reality
I had shut myself away from him by then
I think maybe he did the same
At least after a while
Sometimes I don't think we really lasted ten months
We kinda weren't talking for four
And we hardly saw each other for three
It's depressing to think
That we were only really together
And happy
For three months
I don't say any of this
Because I want to go back
Or because I'm not overit
I am
It's just my thinking
My reflecting
Do you see why I have to stop?

When I see that ring on his finger
It makes me wonder
That'll come later
I have much more to think of now

This phase
I just want to think all the time
Let my mind wander
Even into areas
That are best left untouched
I found that my music
Instead of taking my mind off it
Just annoyed me
By trying to focus my thoughts
I tried sitting in silence
My mind traveled
Far in so little time
I couldn't stand it
And so I let my music take me away

I don't feel like talking to my friends
I want to keep everything inside
It's not even to create an image
As it was last year
It's just how I feel
That's mostly what ended things last year
Wasn't it?
What will it do this year?
What will I lose?
At least this time
I know what's going on
I know it's some weird phase
I have an explanation of some sort
Will it still seem
Like I'm simply pushing people away?

Sometimes I find myself
Attempting to think
When I have nothing to think about
I simply sit
My mind grasping for subjects
But finding nothing

Sometimes I feel
Like I'm either losing my mind
Or living in a dream

The other night I felt the urge
The need
To be close to someone
Physically
The thought scared me
It made me feel like I had no lines
No boundaries
In this case
That's not a good thing
I felt vulnerable
Even though I had nobody
Even though I was alone.

Blindly Happy

2007-12-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

I'm really happy
But I'm not sure why.

Already I've fallen asleep three times in class
Staying up late for homework will have that effect
Why does that make me happy?

It get me some attention, I know
Attention that I want
That I need
To feel like I'm making a difference
Or at least an impression
It banishes that fear of being nothing
Never noticed
Never remembered
It seems like that fear has driven me in many ways
To do things I've done
To make the choices that I've made.

Then there's always the people I know
Some don't help, of course
In fact, they do the opposite
But the others make up for them
People who hug me when I'm down
People who can cheer me up, even when they don't know
How much I need to be cheered up
They give me an escape
Out of my own mind.

Inside My Head

2007-12-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting in social class
Stuck inside my head again
Thoughts swirl around me,
Some that are constantly on my mind
Some that are new and unexpected
Most are gone before I can even comprehend them.

Trapped inside my head, I can't help but wonder
About my own life
Who I am, if I'm good enough
If I'll make it through
I've had different names
Does that change me?
I hate the one that everybody uses
And yet my favorite one, I've never said
Now it's too late
I'll never hear it again.

Will the world accept me?
Will you accept me?
I do my best to be myself
I can be very independent
But at the same time, I'm not
I'm completely dependent on others
They shape me, my confidence, my moods
Everything
Except my own mind
Will anyone accept my contradictions?
I'm stuck inside my own mind
I have to get out.

The bell rings
But I can't leave.