tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-60568898173015095762024-02-20T14:33:05.799-07:00Le poete seul est hanteThis is where I put the words that come from inside. I don't think when I write, I just let things come. It could be called poetry. It could be called a diary with horrible grammar. You can call it what you will. You can interpret it as you will. Comments are welcome.Calminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6056889817301509576.post-11388773155318175482009-03-31T22:28:00.002-06:002009-04-01T00:43:00.643-06:00HandsHis hands<br />I watched them today in class<br />I found them<br />Fascinating<br /><br />He doesn't fidget<br />He sits calmly<br />He looks like he's paying attention<br />But I'm wondering what he's thinking<br /><br />He picks up his pencil<br />Not hurriedly, like the others<br />But calmly<br />In that deliberate way that only few have the patience for<br /><br />His grip on his pencil<br />He has complete control<br />Without turning his knuckles white<br /><br />It's always that way<br />Calm<br />Deliberate<br />Never rushing<br />But always keeping up<br />Without falling behind<br /><br />I want to know more about him<br />I want to grab a coffee<br />Just sit<br />And talk<br /><br />I want to know more about how he thinks<br />His view of the world<br />And to share mine<br /><br />I have less than a month left<br />I think I'll still be left wonderingCalminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6056889817301509576.post-53692459641780882292009-02-03T23:42:00.002-07:002009-02-03T23:51:44.765-07:00A safe placeThis feeling<br />Like I'm drowning<br />In a sea of everything<br /><br />My self<br />(What is self?)<br />Is lost<br />Is being lost<br />Even as I cling to it hopelessly<br />It is slipping<br /><br />I can still see it<br />It is not far<br />But far enough to make me fear<br />That it may not come back<br />That it may be different when it does<br />(Numerically? Qualitatively?)<br />That I'm losing it<br /><br />My self<br />(What is that?)<br />Is slipping<br />I am slipping<br />(As the reeds whisper from the edge)<br />I am the one being lost<br />Drifting<br />Being carried away<br /><br />Arms<br />I need arms around me<br />Grounding me<br />Reminding me that I am myself<br />(Though the locks may disagree)<br />Reminding me<br />Of everything<br />Yet not saying a word<br />Just holding<br />Grounding<br /><br />Alas<br />I am alone<br />No arms tonight<br />Just my own<br />Holding myself in<br />Against the sea<br />Surviving<br />(What does that mean?)<br />Closing my eyes to the water<br />Huddled in a dark place<br />My safe placeCalminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6056889817301509576.post-86743515803220331052008-10-26T22:58:00.002-06:002008-10-26T23:07:37.669-06:00Those eyesThis isn't exactly relevant<br />Or even really significant<br />But I felt a need to say this<br />To let it be known, even if nobody reads it<br />That it was happening again<br />It seemed to go downhill<br />Just like it did last time<br />Except this time he cracked the walls a little more<br />And I fell into his arms<br />He whispered words<br />He said he'll never leave<br />He'll hang on<br />If I'm willing to do the same<br />In that one moment, I wondered if this will last forever<br />Because at that moment<br />I almost believed that it could<br /><br />But forever is a long time<br />And a long time away<br />Especially when you compare it to today<br />And right now<br />So that thought can rest for now<br /><br />I'm not going to say this is a love story<br />Or true love<br />Nor destiny, or fate<br />But I will say<br />That is is the closest I've ever come to all of themCalminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6056889817301509576.post-65873213831176617062008-06-04T21:51:00.002-06:002008-06-04T22:08:26.911-06:00Just JumpI'm looking into the water<br />It is very deep<br /><br />People go in<br />Gently lowering themselves<br />Getting used to the depth<br />And the feel<br />Of the water<br /><br />I watch these people<br />They go slowly<br />Clinging to the edge<br />And staring<br />Terrified<br />At the bottom of it all<br />Afraid they might be down there themselves<br />Before too long<br /><br />Eventually they are all the way in<br />They gasp<br />Tread water quickly<br />Keeping their head above<br />Before finally letting go of the edge<br /><br />They stay close<br />Still unsure<br />And still too scared<br /><br />Finally they swim further out<br />They smile<br />And splash<br />And begin to have fun<br /><br />But at that moment<br />Their time is up<br />They must leave the water<br />They can never go back<br /><br />I turn my gaze to the others<br />They look at the water<br />Consider it<br />Then walk to the diving board<br />And jump right in<br /><br />They're scared too<br />You can see it as they walk to the edge<br />And look down<br /><br />Jumping in has risks<br />There is no way to test the water<br />For its strength<br />Or depth<br />The water goes over your head<br />It's too late to turn back<br /><br />But they close their eyes<br />Before they can turn back<br />And leap<br /><br />They are engulfed<br />But before too long<br />They come up<br />Smiling<br /><br />They faced the water<br />Head on<br />And because of that<br />They overcame their fear<br />Faster than if they had timidly lowered themselves<br /><br />These people quickly swim out to the middle<br />They splash<br />They smile<br />While the others are still just climbing in<br />Slowly but surely<br /><br />I watch this from the side<br />Before walking towards the diving board<br /><br />Our time in the pool is limited<br />I don't want to spend it gradually getting in<br />Afraid the whole time<br />I would rather jump<br /><br />After all<br />All I have to lose<br />Is timeCalminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6056889817301509576.post-70208475446195278962008-05-22T00:36:00.002-06:002008-05-22T00:44:53.246-06:00WhirlpoolI'm floating on the surface<br />Of my own ocean<br />Of thoughts<br /><br />Waves bring me up<br />I can clearly see the rest of the water around me<br />Then I drift below<br />I am surrounded by water of the same color<br /><br />Something catches my eye<br />Beneath the surface<br />I don't know what it is<br />What it means<br /><br />I want to find it<br />All I need is one look<br />I will understand<br />Questions will be answered<br /><br />I dive<br />Surrounded by water<br />It feels like a different world<br />But I keep going<br /><br />It gets darker<br />It is misleading, and confusing<br />I am almost there<br />I can still see it<br /><br />There is a disturbance around me<br />Water, rushing around<br />Faster, without hesitation<br />Drawing circles around me<br /><br />I'm almost there<br />But the circle draws me away<br />And yet prevents me from returning<br />To the calm surface<br /><br />Again, I try to get to my treasure<br />I am swept away again<br />Away and deeper<br />I cannot breathe<br /><br />I let go of my desire<br />Feeling helpless in a storm<br />I let the water take me<br />Where it will<br /><br />I can breathe again<br />The surface is calm<br />I am floating on waves<br />Of peaceful thought<br /><br />The treasure is still there<br />I can feel it<br />I will not dive again<br />It is best left untouchedCalminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6056889817301509576.post-16929255644370681572008-05-19T00:09:00.000-06:002008-05-19T00:10:20.723-06:00UntitledI am running<br /><br />One mile from home<br />Wind stings my face<br />The snow is blinding<br />Everywhere around me is white<br />I am far past the houses<br /><br />Two miles from home<br />Time passes<br />But I take no notice<br />The only time that exists<br />Is the rhythm of my feet<br />Hitting the ground<br /><br />Three miles from home<br />I match my breathing<br />To the time of my feet<br />Inhale when I step left<br />Exhale when I step right<br />The cold wind hurts my throat<br />But it prevents me from thinking<br /><br />Four miles from home<br />I stop<br /><br />My legs shake from the sudden absence of motion<br />The winter has stolen the blood from my limbs<br />I can’t move my fingers <br />For they are numb<br />But I can still feel your hand <br />As you hold mine<br />I feel your arms around me <br />Holding me close<br />Just like you used to<br /><br />I am running<br /><br />---<br /><br />Written during a social class, for no particular reasonCalminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6056889817301509576.post-371964100557482492008-01-07T22:12:00.000-07:002008-01-07T22:16:40.638-07:00An OutletIt's all building up again<br />These feelings<br />And thoughts<br />When I'm around people<br />Distracted from my mind<br />I'm safe<br />But when I'm alone<br />They take over<br />It's not as bad as it could be<br />But still<br />I get really rash during these moments<br />I'm prepared to do whatever I think it will take<br />To get things off my mind<br />Maybe this is a safer way of doing it<br /><br />Dear God<br />Or whatever higher power<br />Or being<br />There is out there<br />Please<br />If you have the time<br />And the means<br />Let him know I'm sorry<br />I ruined his life for months<br />The true extent of it<br />I know not<br />But what I do know<br />Or have heard<br />Makes me feel bad<br />It was so long ago<br />But I just can't get rid of that feeling<br />Of how much of his life I might have taken away<br />So please let him know I'm sorry<br />I still want to be friends<br />Really good friends<br />Even though the uncertain is coming<br />I hope we don't drift apart completely<br />I love him<br />Not in love with him<br />I simply love him<br />It is possible<br /><br />Yes, I believe in love<br />Why shouldn't I?<br />I don't understand why anybody wouldn't<br />I can't imagine living without it<br />Even if I can't describe what it is.Calminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6056889817301509576.post-24298962224556179682008-01-07T22:11:00.000-07:002008-01-07T22:12:43.868-07:00Homework goes better when you're in the mood to do itA winter sunset<br />Is very different<br />Than a summer sunset<br />I had a sudden urge to share that<br />Even though I can't fully explain it.Calminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6056889817301509576.post-11181706216863286892007-12-21T01:02:00.000-07:002007-12-21T01:05:34.657-07:00Nevertheless, life is goodSquee<br />I love life<br /><br />I reflected a little more last night<br />But it was good thoughts<br />I was reminded<br />Of how if I had the power to go back<br />And change things<br />I wouldn't<br />Because i leanred so much from that experience<br />Even if it hurt<br />Looking back<br />I think I grew a lot<br />I went from twelve to seventeen<br />In months<br /><br />Life now is good<br />Things don't always work out<br />In the long run<br />Will it matter?<br />Probably not<br /><br />I realized the other day<br />That I hadn't liked anybody all day<br />My friend would understand how truly remarkable<br />That is<br />I always have a crush on somebody<br />It's how I work<br />But lately<br />It's like life is good good to be spent<br />Thinking about things<br />That I don't really need<br />That's not the best way to putting it<br />But seeing as how class is about to end<br />That's all you're going to get<br /><br />=)Calminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6056889817301509576.post-64925290255643194912007-12-17T23:51:00.001-07:002007-12-18T00:01:53.678-07:00I'm a very confused human beingI'm thinking again<br />That's not good<br />Sure, it can solve things<br />Make me feel better<br />But sometimes I just find myself<br />Going in circles<br />Going over things I've already considered<br />Already decided on<br />It's pointless<br />And gets me nowhere<br />So why can't I stop?<br /><br />I've hit a phase<br />I think<br />It feels similar to last year<br />But different<br />Is it that this year I have nothing to lose?<br />Maybe<br />But last year I didn't ever know I had something to lose<br />Until it was lost<br />This year I have nobody to disappoint<br />That sounds closer<br />But it's still not quite what I'm looking for<br />I keep wanting to say that this year<br />I am alone<br />I have nobody to cling to<br />Or to save me<br />But I know I'm fooling myself<br />In a way<br />I was alone then as well<br />We said we were together<br />And therefore I wasn't alone <br />In reality<br />I had shut myself away from him by then<br />I think maybe he did the same<br />At least after a while<br />Sometimes I don't think we really lasted ten months<br />We kinda weren't talking for four<br />And we hardly saw each other for three<br />It's depressing to think<br />That we were only really together<br />And happy<br />For three months<br />I don't say any of this<br />Because I want to go back<br />Or because I'm not overit<br />I am<br />It's just my thinking<br />My reflecting<br />Do you see why I have to stop?<br /><br />When I see that ring on his finger<br />It makes me wonder<br />That'll come later<br />I have much more to think of now<br /><br />This phase<br />I just want to think all the time<br />Let my mind wander<br />Even into areas<br />That are best left untouched<br />I found that my music<br />Instead of taking my mind off it<br />Just annoyed me<br />By trying to focus my thoughts<br />I tried sitting in silence<br />My mind traveled<br />Far in so little time<br />I couldn't stand it<br />And so I let my music take me away<br /><br />I don't feel like talking to my friends<br />I want to keep everything inside<br />It's not even to create an image<br />As it was last year<br />It's just how I feel<br />That's mostly what ended things last year<br />Wasn't it?<br />What will it do this year?<br />What will I lose?<br />At least this time<br />I know what's going on<br />I know it's some weird phase<br />I have an explanation of some sort<br />Will it still seem<br />Like I'm simply pushing people away?<br /><br />Sometimes I find myself<br />Attempting to think<br />When I have nothing to think about<br />I simply sit<br />My mind grasping for subjects<br />But finding nothing<br /><br />Sometimes I feel<br />Like I'm either losing my mind<br />Or living in a dream<br /><br />The other night I felt the urge<br />The need<br />To be close to someone<br />Physically<br />The thought scared me<br />It made me feel like I had no lines<br />No boundaries<br />In this case<br />That's not a good thing<br />I felt vulnerable<br />Even though I had nobody<br />Even though I was alone.Calminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6056889817301509576.post-81968048124986165652007-12-12T22:49:00.000-07:002007-12-12T22:52:28.030-07:00Blindly HappyI'm really happy<br />But I'm not sure why.<br /><br />Already I've fallen asleep three times in class<br />Staying up late for homework will have that effect<br />Why does that make me happy?<br /><br />It get me some attention, I know<br />Attention that I want<br />That I need<br />To feel like I'm making a difference<br />Or at least an impression<br />It banishes that fear of being nothing<br />Never noticed<br />Never remembered<br />It seems like that fear has driven me in many ways<br />To do things I've done<br />To make the choices that I've made.<br /><br />Then there's always the people I know<br />Some don't help, of course<br />In fact, they do the opposite<br />But the others make up for them<br />People who hug me when I'm down<br />People who can cheer me up, even when they don't know<br />How much I need to be cheered up<br />They give me an escape<br />Out of my own mind.Calminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6056889817301509576.post-85856624216486358452007-12-11T22:41:00.000-07:002007-12-12T22:49:16.532-07:00Inside My HeadI'm sitting in social class<br />Stuck inside my head again<br />Thoughts swirl around me,<br />Some that are constantly on my mind<br />Some that are new and unexpected<br />Most are gone before I can even comprehend them.<br /><br />Trapped inside my head, I can't help but wonder<br />About my own life<br />Who I am, if I'm good enough<br />If I'll make it through<br />I've had different names<br />Does that change me?<br />I hate the one that everybody uses<br />And yet my favorite one, I've never said<br />Now it's too late<br />I'll never hear it again.<br /><br />Will the world accept me?<br />Will you accept me?<br />I do my best to be myself<br />I can be very independent<br />But at the same time, I'm not<br />I'm completely dependent on others<br />They shape me, my confidence, my moods<br />Everything<br />Except my own mind<br />Will anyone accept my contradictions?<br />I'm stuck inside my own mind<br />I have to get out.<br /><br />The bell rings<br />But I can't leave.Calminaielhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04730642752357196153noreply@blogger.com0