Hands

His hands
I watched them today in class
I found them
Fascinating

He doesn't fidget
He sits calmly
He looks like he's paying attention
But I'm wondering what he's thinking

He picks up his pencil
Not hurriedly, like the others
But calmly
In that deliberate way that only few have the patience for

His grip on his pencil
He has complete control
Without turning his knuckles white

It's always that way
Calm
Deliberate
Never rushing
But always keeping up
Without falling behind

I want to know more about him
I want to grab a coffee
Just sit
And talk

I want to know more about how he thinks
His view of the world
And to share mine

I have less than a month left
I think I'll still be left wondering

A safe place

This feeling
Like I'm drowning
In a sea of everything

My self
(What is self?)
Is lost
Is being lost
Even as I cling to it hopelessly
It is slipping

I can still see it
It is not far
But far enough to make me fear
That it may not come back
That it may be different when it does
(Numerically? Qualitatively?)
That I'm losing it

My self
(What is that?)
Is slipping
I am slipping
(As the reeds whisper from the edge)
I am the one being lost
Drifting
Being carried away

Arms
I need arms around me
Grounding me
Reminding me that I am myself
(Though the locks may disagree)
Reminding me
Of everything
Yet not saying a word
Just holding
Grounding

Alas
I am alone
No arms tonight
Just my own
Holding myself in
Against the sea
Surviving
(What does that mean?)
Closing my eyes to the water
Huddled in a dark place
My safe place

Those eyes

This isn't exactly relevant
Or even really significant
But I felt a need to say this
To let it be known, even if nobody reads it
That it was happening again
It seemed to go downhill
Just like it did last time
Except this time he cracked the walls a little more
And I fell into his arms
He whispered words
He said he'll never leave
He'll hang on
If I'm willing to do the same
In that one moment, I wondered if this will last forever
Because at that moment
I almost believed that it could

But forever is a long time
And a long time away
Especially when you compare it to today
And right now
So that thought can rest for now

I'm not going to say this is a love story
Or true love
Nor destiny, or fate
But I will say
That is is the closest I've ever come to all of them

Just Jump

I'm looking into the water
It is very deep

People go in
Gently lowering themselves
Getting used to the depth
And the feel
Of the water

I watch these people
They go slowly
Clinging to the edge
And staring
Terrified
At the bottom of it all
Afraid they might be down there themselves
Before too long

Eventually they are all the way in
They gasp
Tread water quickly
Keeping their head above
Before finally letting go of the edge

They stay close
Still unsure
And still too scared

Finally they swim further out
They smile
And splash
And begin to have fun

But at that moment
Their time is up
They must leave the water
They can never go back

I turn my gaze to the others
They look at the water
Consider it
Then walk to the diving board
And jump right in

They're scared too
You can see it as they walk to the edge
And look down

Jumping in has risks
There is no way to test the water
For its strength
Or depth
The water goes over your head
It's too late to turn back

But they close their eyes
Before they can turn back
And leap

They are engulfed
But before too long
They come up
Smiling

They faced the water
Head on
And because of that
They overcame their fear
Faster than if they had timidly lowered themselves

These people quickly swim out to the middle
They splash
They smile
While the others are still just climbing in
Slowly but surely

I watch this from the side
Before walking towards the diving board

Our time in the pool is limited
I don't want to spend it gradually getting in
Afraid the whole time
I would rather jump

After all
All I have to lose
Is time

Whirlpool

I'm floating on the surface
Of my own ocean
Of thoughts

Waves bring me up
I can clearly see the rest of the water around me
Then I drift below
I am surrounded by water of the same color

Something catches my eye
Beneath the surface
I don't know what it is
What it means

I want to find it
All I need is one look
I will understand
Questions will be answered

I dive
Surrounded by water
It feels like a different world
But I keep going

It gets darker
It is misleading, and confusing
I am almost there
I can still see it

There is a disturbance around me
Water, rushing around
Faster, without hesitation
Drawing circles around me

I'm almost there
But the circle draws me away
And yet prevents me from returning
To the calm surface

Again, I try to get to my treasure
I am swept away again
Away and deeper
I cannot breathe

I let go of my desire
Feeling helpless in a storm
I let the water take me
Where it will

I can breathe again
The surface is calm
I am floating on waves
Of peaceful thought

The treasure is still there
I can feel it
I will not dive again
It is best left untouched

Untitled

I am running

One mile from home
Wind stings my face
The snow is blinding
Everywhere around me is white
I am far past the houses

Two miles from home
Time passes
But I take no notice
The only time that exists
Is the rhythm of my feet
Hitting the ground

Three miles from home
I match my breathing
To the time of my feet
Inhale when I step left
Exhale when I step right
The cold wind hurts my throat
But it prevents me from thinking

Four miles from home
I stop

My legs shake from the sudden absence of motion
The winter has stolen the blood from my limbs
I can’t move my fingers
For they are numb
But I can still feel your hand
As you hold mine
I feel your arms around me
Holding me close
Just like you used to

I am running

---

Written during a social class, for no particular reason

An Outlet

It's all building up again
These feelings
And thoughts
When I'm around people
Distracted from my mind
I'm safe
But when I'm alone
They take over
It's not as bad as it could be
But still
I get really rash during these moments
I'm prepared to do whatever I think it will take
To get things off my mind
Maybe this is a safer way of doing it

Dear God
Or whatever higher power
Or being
There is out there
Please
If you have the time
And the means
Let him know I'm sorry
I ruined his life for months
The true extent of it
I know not
But what I do know
Or have heard
Makes me feel bad
It was so long ago
But I just can't get rid of that feeling
Of how much of his life I might have taken away
So please let him know I'm sorry
I still want to be friends
Really good friends
Even though the uncertain is coming
I hope we don't drift apart completely
I love him
Not in love with him
I simply love him
It is possible

Yes, I believe in love
Why shouldn't I?
I don't understand why anybody wouldn't
I can't imagine living without it
Even if I can't describe what it is.