Whirlpool

I'm floating on the surface
Of my own ocean
Of thoughts

Waves bring me up
I can clearly see the rest of the water around me
Then I drift below
I am surrounded by water of the same color

Something catches my eye
Beneath the surface
I don't know what it is
What it means

I want to find it
All I need is one look
I will understand
Questions will be answered

I dive
Surrounded by water
It feels like a different world
But I keep going

It gets darker
It is misleading, and confusing
I am almost there
I can still see it

There is a disturbance around me
Water, rushing around
Faster, without hesitation
Drawing circles around me

I'm almost there
But the circle draws me away
And yet prevents me from returning
To the calm surface

Again, I try to get to my treasure
I am swept away again
Away and deeper
I cannot breathe

I let go of my desire
Feeling helpless in a storm
I let the water take me
Where it will

I can breathe again
The surface is calm
I am floating on waves
Of peaceful thought

The treasure is still there
I can feel it
I will not dive again
It is best left untouched

Untitled

I am running

One mile from home
Wind stings my face
The snow is blinding
Everywhere around me is white
I am far past the houses

Two miles from home
Time passes
But I take no notice
The only time that exists
Is the rhythm of my feet
Hitting the ground

Three miles from home
I match my breathing
To the time of my feet
Inhale when I step left
Exhale when I step right
The cold wind hurts my throat
But it prevents me from thinking

Four miles from home
I stop

My legs shake from the sudden absence of motion
The winter has stolen the blood from my limbs
I can’t move my fingers
For they are numb
But I can still feel your hand
As you hold mine
I feel your arms around me
Holding me close
Just like you used to

I am running

---

Written during a social class, for no particular reason

An Outlet

It's all building up again
These feelings
And thoughts
When I'm around people
Distracted from my mind
I'm safe
But when I'm alone
They take over
It's not as bad as it could be
But still
I get really rash during these moments
I'm prepared to do whatever I think it will take
To get things off my mind
Maybe this is a safer way of doing it

Dear God
Or whatever higher power
Or being
There is out there
Please
If you have the time
And the means
Let him know I'm sorry
I ruined his life for months
The true extent of it
I know not
But what I do know
Or have heard
Makes me feel bad
It was so long ago
But I just can't get rid of that feeling
Of how much of his life I might have taken away
So please let him know I'm sorry
I still want to be friends
Really good friends
Even though the uncertain is coming
I hope we don't drift apart completely
I love him
Not in love with him
I simply love him
It is possible

Yes, I believe in love
Why shouldn't I?
I don't understand why anybody wouldn't
I can't imagine living without it
Even if I can't describe what it is.

Homework goes better when you're in the mood to do it

A winter sunset
Is very different
Than a summer sunset
I had a sudden urge to share that
Even though I can't fully explain it.

Nevertheless, life is good

Squee
I love life

I reflected a little more last night
But it was good thoughts
I was reminded
Of how if I had the power to go back
And change things
I wouldn't
Because i leanred so much from that experience
Even if it hurt
Looking back
I think I grew a lot
I went from twelve to seventeen
In months

Life now is good
Things don't always work out
In the long run
Will it matter?
Probably not

I realized the other day
That I hadn't liked anybody all day
My friend would understand how truly remarkable
That is
I always have a crush on somebody
It's how I work
But lately
It's like life is good good to be spent
Thinking about things
That I don't really need
That's not the best way to putting it
But seeing as how class is about to end
That's all you're going to get

=)

I'm a very confused human being

I'm thinking again
That's not good
Sure, it can solve things
Make me feel better
But sometimes I just find myself
Going in circles
Going over things I've already considered
Already decided on
It's pointless
And gets me nowhere
So why can't I stop?

I've hit a phase
I think
It feels similar to last year
But different
Is it that this year I have nothing to lose?
Maybe
But last year I didn't ever know I had something to lose
Until it was lost
This year I have nobody to disappoint
That sounds closer
But it's still not quite what I'm looking for
I keep wanting to say that this year
I am alone
I have nobody to cling to
Or to save me
But I know I'm fooling myself
In a way
I was alone then as well
We said we were together
And therefore I wasn't alone
In reality
I had shut myself away from him by then
I think maybe he did the same
At least after a while
Sometimes I don't think we really lasted ten months
We kinda weren't talking for four
And we hardly saw each other for three
It's depressing to think
That we were only really together
And happy
For three months
I don't say any of this
Because I want to go back
Or because I'm not overit
I am
It's just my thinking
My reflecting
Do you see why I have to stop?

When I see that ring on his finger
It makes me wonder
That'll come later
I have much more to think of now

This phase
I just want to think all the time
Let my mind wander
Even into areas
That are best left untouched
I found that my music
Instead of taking my mind off it
Just annoyed me
By trying to focus my thoughts
I tried sitting in silence
My mind traveled
Far in so little time
I couldn't stand it
And so I let my music take me away

I don't feel like talking to my friends
I want to keep everything inside
It's not even to create an image
As it was last year
It's just how I feel
That's mostly what ended things last year
Wasn't it?
What will it do this year?
What will I lose?
At least this time
I know what's going on
I know it's some weird phase
I have an explanation of some sort
Will it still seem
Like I'm simply pushing people away?

Sometimes I find myself
Attempting to think
When I have nothing to think about
I simply sit
My mind grasping for subjects
But finding nothing

Sometimes I feel
Like I'm either losing my mind
Or living in a dream

The other night I felt the urge
The need
To be close to someone
Physically
The thought scared me
It made me feel like I had no lines
No boundaries
In this case
That's not a good thing
I felt vulnerable
Even though I had nobody
Even though I was alone.

Blindly Happy

I'm really happy
But I'm not sure why.

Already I've fallen asleep three times in class
Staying up late for homework will have that effect
Why does that make me happy?

It get me some attention, I know
Attention that I want
That I need
To feel like I'm making a difference
Or at least an impression
It banishes that fear of being nothing
Never noticed
Never remembered
It seems like that fear has driven me in many ways
To do things I've done
To make the choices that I've made.

Then there's always the people I know
Some don't help, of course
In fact, they do the opposite
But the others make up for them
People who hug me when I'm down
People who can cheer me up, even when they don't know
How much I need to be cheered up
They give me an escape
Out of my own mind.