Friday, December 21, 2007

Nevertheless, life is good

I love life

I reflected a little more last night
But it was good thoughts
I was reminded
Of how if I had the power to go back
And change things
I wouldn't
Because i leanred so much from that experience
Even if it hurt
Looking back
I think I grew a lot
I went from twelve to seventeen
In months

Life now is good
Things don't always work out
In the long run
Will it matter?
Probably not

I realized the other day
That I hadn't liked anybody all day
My friend would understand how truly remarkable
That is
I always have a crush on somebody
It's how I work
But lately
It's like life is good good to be spent
Thinking about things
That I don't really need
That's not the best way to putting it
But seeing as how class is about to end
That's all you're going to get


Monday, December 17, 2007

I'm a very confused human being

I'm thinking again
That's not good
Sure, it can solve things
Make me feel better
But sometimes I just find myself
Going in circles
Going over things I've already considered
Already decided on
It's pointless
And gets me nowhere
So why can't I stop?

I've hit a phase
I think
It feels similar to last year
But different
Is it that this year I have nothing to lose?
But last year I didn't ever know I had something to lose
Until it was lost
This year I have nobody to disappoint
That sounds closer
But it's still not quite what I'm looking for
I keep wanting to say that this year
I am alone
I have nobody to cling to
Or to save me
But I know I'm fooling myself
In a way
I was alone then as well
We said we were together
And therefore I wasn't alone
In reality
I had shut myself away from him by then
I think maybe he did the same
At least after a while
Sometimes I don't think we really lasted ten months
We kinda weren't talking for four
And we hardly saw each other for three
It's depressing to think
That we were only really together
And happy
For three months
I don't say any of this
Because I want to go back
Or because I'm not overit
I am
It's just my thinking
My reflecting
Do you see why I have to stop?

When I see that ring on his finger
It makes me wonder
That'll come later
I have much more to think of now

This phase
I just want to think all the time
Let my mind wander
Even into areas
That are best left untouched
I found that my music
Instead of taking my mind off it
Just annoyed me
By trying to focus my thoughts
I tried sitting in silence
My mind traveled
Far in so little time
I couldn't stand it
And so I let my music take me away

I don't feel like talking to my friends
I want to keep everything inside
It's not even to create an image
As it was last year
It's just how I feel
That's mostly what ended things last year
Wasn't it?
What will it do this year?
What will I lose?
At least this time
I know what's going on
I know it's some weird phase
I have an explanation of some sort
Will it still seem
Like I'm simply pushing people away?

Sometimes I find myself
Attempting to think
When I have nothing to think about
I simply sit
My mind grasping for subjects
But finding nothing

Sometimes I feel
Like I'm either losing my mind
Or living in a dream

The other night I felt the urge
The need
To be close to someone
The thought scared me
It made me feel like I had no lines
No boundaries
In this case
That's not a good thing
I felt vulnerable
Even though I had nobody
Even though I was alone.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Blindly Happy

I'm really happy
But I'm not sure why.

Already I've fallen asleep three times in class
Staying up late for homework will have that effect
Why does that make me happy?

It get me some attention, I know
Attention that I want
That I need
To feel like I'm making a difference
Or at least an impression
It banishes that fear of being nothing
Never noticed
Never remembered
It seems like that fear has driven me in many ways
To do things I've done
To make the choices that I've made.

Then there's always the people I know
Some don't help, of course
In fact, they do the opposite
But the others make up for them
People who hug me when I'm down
People who can cheer me up, even when they don't know
How much I need to be cheered up
They give me an escape
Out of my own mind.

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Inside My Head

I'm sitting in social class
Stuck inside my head again
Thoughts swirl around me,
Some that are constantly on my mind
Some that are new and unexpected
Most are gone before I can even comprehend them.

Trapped inside my head, I can't help but wonder
About my own life
Who I am, if I'm good enough
If I'll make it through
I've had different names
Does that change me?
I hate the one that everybody uses
And yet my favorite one, I've never said
Now it's too late
I'll never hear it again.

Will the world accept me?
Will you accept me?
I do my best to be myself
I can be very independent
But at the same time, I'm not
I'm completely dependent on others
They shape me, my confidence, my moods
Except my own mind
Will anyone accept my contradictions?
I'm stuck inside my own mind
I have to get out.

The bell rings
But I can't leave.