Monday, December 17, 2007

I'm a very confused human being

I'm thinking again
That's not good
Sure, it can solve things
Make me feel better
But sometimes I just find myself
Going in circles
Going over things I've already considered
Already decided on
It's pointless
And gets me nowhere
So why can't I stop?

I've hit a phase
I think
It feels similar to last year
But different
Is it that this year I have nothing to lose?
But last year I didn't ever know I had something to lose
Until it was lost
This year I have nobody to disappoint
That sounds closer
But it's still not quite what I'm looking for
I keep wanting to say that this year
I am alone
I have nobody to cling to
Or to save me
But I know I'm fooling myself
In a way
I was alone then as well
We said we were together
And therefore I wasn't alone
In reality
I had shut myself away from him by then
I think maybe he did the same
At least after a while
Sometimes I don't think we really lasted ten months
We kinda weren't talking for four
And we hardly saw each other for three
It's depressing to think
That we were only really together
And happy
For three months
I don't say any of this
Because I want to go back
Or because I'm not overit
I am
It's just my thinking
My reflecting
Do you see why I have to stop?

When I see that ring on his finger
It makes me wonder
That'll come later
I have much more to think of now

This phase
I just want to think all the time
Let my mind wander
Even into areas
That are best left untouched
I found that my music
Instead of taking my mind off it
Just annoyed me
By trying to focus my thoughts
I tried sitting in silence
My mind traveled
Far in so little time
I couldn't stand it
And so I let my music take me away

I don't feel like talking to my friends
I want to keep everything inside
It's not even to create an image
As it was last year
It's just how I feel
That's mostly what ended things last year
Wasn't it?
What will it do this year?
What will I lose?
At least this time
I know what's going on
I know it's some weird phase
I have an explanation of some sort
Will it still seem
Like I'm simply pushing people away?

Sometimes I find myself
Attempting to think
When I have nothing to think about
I simply sit
My mind grasping for subjects
But finding nothing

Sometimes I feel
Like I'm either losing my mind
Or living in a dream

The other night I felt the urge
The need
To be close to someone
The thought scared me
It made me feel like I had no lines
No boundaries
In this case
That's not a good thing
I felt vulnerable
Even though I had nobody
Even though I was alone.

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